School

A place we all go to get brainwasher. A place where were encouraged not to be ourselves and to fit in with everyone else. WHat a place to grow up, right?

.daTes.

can you not return to the way it was before? being something amoungst a vast nothing. A nothing with a something. Me with a you. A you wanting to be with a Me. a me wanting to be anything but a you.

If i could go back, 22nd December 2009, i would change the world. I would change my ideas i would change my mind i would change so that it didnt affect me how it currently does.

If i could go back, 28 April 2009, i would change my life. A life fulled with something i still greatly yearn for and wish for. A life that consists of what i need. What i fight for. All i would ever want.

If i could go back...if i could go back. I would go back. 30 December 2006. 28th April 2007. 4 September 2008. 28th April 2009. Some i cherish and some i regret, some i wish i knew nothing of. But ill always know something of nothing of how i feel. Lets take a walk down memory milky lane to the abator, they can slaughter a cow why not slaughter my regrets? slaughter. sick bastards. Make the change.

To be...

To be what im not would be great
To be what i am is a curse
To hold in my arms my own heart
To contract it to make it worse

To believ that there is a cure
To stop this lobotomy dead
To think theres a point in opporating
On this already bashed in head

To believe and trust in miracles
To think that god is real
To walk along an imaginary friend
There is no god revealed

To think you are alone
To know you have no chance
To say a lie in hope
To scream and sing and dance

To lie about your future
To lie about your past
To lie about your present
To make it all up fast

But will you ever notice
Will you ever see right here
is something that is constant
Will never disapear

Right here is someone glued
To the floor with a bond tight
A lifetime of deception
to this thing that is so right

So lie to me again
Feed my masochistic mind
Then drag me round the corner
The rest left undefined.

People?

I look around me and I feel like an idiot. Surrounded by idiots in a world that consists of idiots. We do idiotic things, illogical things and we do them all the time!
Walking up my road and around where i live this morning, it occured to me that human beings really are the strangest creatures iv ever come across. It was the comraides marathon this morning so of course i got up and watched (after being out all night and not really sleeping but thats besides the point-in fact that is the point, strange things that humans do) and it just seemed so strange to me.
The clothes people wear, the way they talk, cars, cellphones, walking (think about it-how arb is walking!) and something that made me burst out laughing (another strange human trait) was seeing thousands clapping.
Now this strange amusement may bewilder some, however, think about how ridiculously arb clapping is!! What are we, neanderthols??!! And how can we be (i be) so dumb as to think were anything but?
Its just odd to think of how we live, the things we do, how pointless our exhistance is. do we live to die, do we die to live do we wish to die??
Confessions Of A Melancolic Teenager?

Hey, you’re on fire.

Hey, you’re on fire.

I screamed without noise.
I spoke without thought
I lived without breath, rebelled but not caught
I laughed without reason
I judged with no sin
I kept my emotions hidden within
I hid from your wrath
Your poisonous gaze
Running
to Escape
This tangled maze
I ignored your cries
Oblivious for years
And now, your silence.
Deafens my ears

Yet, with your lips so close I shudder in the night
This is so wrong, no, oh so right
A natural high presented on your breath
The taste of freedom. of bliss, of death?
You’re my escape from lack of control
The hope i endure and hide
One day i know you’ll save me
From these rules i always abide

So.
she said there was more to life
Than confiding in a friend
she could always make it alone
But she started at the end
she said she felt complete
But as the cracks in her mirror would tell
she looked at that pale visage
And all she felt was dull
There were no shatters in her smile
But she’s been away too long
she disappeared into nothing
Never could stand being wrong

A rebel against the human race
No way can she conform
A marriage with nature bound so tight
It never could be torn
Will you save me your last breath or will you cry alone?
Reveal to me your secret you silenced, pathetic drone
Will you believe me when i say there’s hope or
Will you shake your head in dismay?
Will you cry if i screamed in agony?
Or will you selfishly walk away

Years have passed without a sound
A silence possessed by death
For death is all there is to life, life is death.
death is life is death is inevitable.
You cant stop the inevitable
But you can lie for all you know
You can put on a contented mask
And Be. nothing .
But, an act, a show

Were all dead, she said
However, this knowledge has not yet reached our hearts
If we were to discover, she said
Wed all but I depart
One sharp bullet, a hang mans noose
Do It, Do it, do it
After all, you’re are weak. you have no excuse

i convince those who are weak and dead
To walk this lonely mind
You’ll discover a misery so ridiculously deep
You won’t ever leave it behind

Celebrate the heart ache
Celebrate the pain
For pain makes a girl pretty
It makes a girl insane
My talent is being talentless
My point is being pointless
My heart is being heartless
And my soul has left me soulless.

I wear my underwear on the outside
Only to override the past
Which can’t be simply overridden?
So. far into insanity i’m driven


Silver tongues that cut through my veins like razor blades
Well played
I inform thin air that this means nothing to me
Though companionless I’m not brainless
I have thought which eats my flesh
Slurp! There go my arteries...

You’re driven by desire.
That rough cheek, that calm smile, the one that’s not yours, nor will be yours.
That mind is driven by its own hatred for you. But then again, why not?

The things you can't ever say

Theres some things that will never make sense. Being a teenager i unfortunately come face to face with these everyday. But the one thing that baffles me more than why the hell the most tasty thing in the world (chocolate) has to be so damn fattening is the fact that lots of the time im angry even though i have no right to be. Im hurt when i have no right to be. But im never happy when i have no right to be? Where is the justice and the love and the freedom? Why cant we feel rightless bliss?

So he walks away from you. He's your world. However, naturally things will never be perfect. You get to school and after staying up working all night you fail. You spend forever getting dressed up and noone so much as looks at you. You say only the kindest of words to those around you and all you get in response is abuse. You tell no lies and all you get told are lies. Where is the justice? Whats the point in this hopeless struggle we endure day today?

He walks away from you. You try not to make him your world. But if you dont he hates you if you walk away he hates you when you cry he hates you when you are free he hates you and yet you arnt entitled to walk away when you need to. Or maybe you dont want to. Even though he doesnt want you to, he does so himself. And you aim to walk after him following in his footsteps however when he turns around you find that your own footsteps disapear as you turn to look at him. Youre invisable, you lack beauty, you lack strength, you lack love you torture yourself in order to stay intact. You should be punished, right? Punished for leaving no marks in the sand though you walk over your steps repeatedly trying to leave an indent in the land trying to be something more trying to hurt him trying to hurt yourself and trying to free your body of inspiration for all you ever are is inspired all you ever do is scream with desire to be freed of so much inspiration which provides you with so much hurt, are you diseased? Should you come with a safety warning? Are you a hazard to those around you? Are you contagious? Youre the only one in sight and in mind, out of sight out of mind of your own accord how can this be true when all you want to do is shout with repressing and eliminate the foul deeds cast upon society by those who dont understand and dont believe everything you have to say you type so fast but nooone will read you scream so loud will you ever succeed? Will you ever succeeed?

Will. You. Ever. Succeed.
Will. You. Ever. Be Freed?

Will you make a difference or will you fall into a rut as i do so often? The same activities day after day it makes no difference how you fall youre never going to stop falling you cant climb this ladder it makes no difference how hard you try youre going to fall. Youre going to fall. Youre going to die because its all you should do through all that you have done. You tried so hard but in the end does it even matter? When everything else shatters. It becomes unknown, theres nothing to know. Theres nothing to show for the mark you didnt leave behind. When youre barely seventeen and you work. All you do is work. Work work work work work follows you through your day it stalks you and pierces your veins. Belief is never known, right? You lack anitiative to believe. Nothing can make you believe because theres nothing to believe. SELFISH is your middle name though only internally. Youd never express it you must repress it or youll someday confess it. Forget it.

Youre driven by desire. That rough cheek, that calm smile, the one thats not yours, nore will be yours. That mind is driven by its own hatred for you. But then again, why not?

May peace be with your rotting soul, my rotting soul, and his rotting soul.