18 Things i hate about myself

After going through things i hate about myself in my head and just keeping there for the last fifteen and a half years, ive decided to write a list.

1) ANGER: i am an angry BITCH. Everything sets me off... i cant help it. when something upsets me i get really really angry (see the last blog entry) and freak out. which leads me to number two
2) FREAK OUTS: its all i do, doesnt matter who the person is or what theyve done to me (whether theyve done anything or not is beside the point) I just start screaming and crying. it isnt a tantrume, just a freak out
3) TRUST: now, the wierd thing about this one is that its not my boyfriend or anyone else i dont trust, its myself. I cant trust myself in certain possitions, or in many different possitions in fact. Like i cant trust myself to keep dan happe because of the first two items on this list.
4) SELFISHNESS: As dan so often tells me, im selfish. i guess he is right because sometimes i admittedly DO think of myself before everyone else... its usually when im angry.
5) SENSITIVITY: when someone says something a little bit harsh to me, often i throw it completely out of perspective and end up a tearful wreck on the floor. dying inside for some stupid reason
6) BITCHYNESS: When the above happens, from that moment onwards i am a complete and utter BITCH. and im not using that term lightly either.. if they talk to me ill shut them out and whenever someone brings them up i cant help but put in a little horrible comment.
7) STUBBORNNESS: When im fighting with someone, i can be really really stubborn. like sometimes even if something is my fault ill deny it and carry on fighting because im scared of admitting defeat, it just isnt in my nature. but this part of me isnt too bad because sometimes i can give in and appologise. i just need to do it more often.
8) FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET: when someone does me wrong, i get really angry. if that person really means a lot to me, i forgive them instantly for whatever theyve done as long as they are sincerely sorry about it. But the thing is that even though Iv forgiven them, often i have a problem with acchually getting over what theyve done or said. even though sometimes i have no problem with this. it depends on what the person says or does.
9) DRAMA: im a total drama queen. Often its not even intentional but it just kinda comes to me. especially when fighting with dan, we are both very dramatic as we scream hurtful things at eachother.
10) OVER THINKING: Heres the scenario... Someone says something small that doesnt really mean much. But in my mind i twist it and turn it and dont stop thinking about it until i throw myself into a downward spiral and just think far too much about it until i upset myself to the point of suicidalness.
11) GULLIABLE: I can be really gulliable sometimes, believing people and their lies. which often results in me getting hurt from my own stupidity
12) LOVE: Most people wouldnt consider this a fault, but sometimes i do. when i develope a good relationship with people, i love them and care about them so much that when they grow or change or when its time to move on i cant. i just feel left behind and neglected.
13) GRUDGES: After all the anger and upset, the grudge gets held. Everything you say can and definately will be used against you with me
14) FEAR: im a complete wuss. and i dont mean with the dark and things like that, im not scared of the dark. This has two meanings. the first is my fear of myself and the second is the fear for the people close to me's lives. What i mean by the fear of myself is basically the same as what i put under trust. im scared of myself screwing up as i seem to do so often. By fear of those important to me's lives is pretty straight forward i think. its basicaly why i freak out when Dan goes out with his friends or anything like that. im just worried about him. its NOT that i dont trust him... i do. im just scared.
15) NEGATIVITY: well, i used to be pretty possitive. like i believed in my fairytale and finding prince charming and the fact that there are such things as happy endings. but iv been hurt enough times to flip my perspective of that matter around 180'. I dont like believing in the white horse and being saved from an evil demon or whatever. because i have far too many demons to be saved from and i cant expect any guy to be able to fight them all away, though it would mean the world to me.
16) GUILT: story of my life. i do something wrong, i realise it and i never EVER forgive myself... Hence this list. i can let go of things that others do to me but i cant find it within me to forgive the one person im supposed to care the most for... me.
17) KEEPING UP: this is one thing iv never been able to do. everyone around me grows and learns things and moves upwards while i always feel like iv achually just been left behind. its so wierd and i never know how to grow in my own way yet hold onto the people i love
18) DEPRESSION: I am exhuasted from bashing myself down now so this is my last one for today. This developes from all of the above combined together... so yeah. gonna go lie down or something.

**MORE COMING SOON IF YOURE INTERESTED**